


i think i'm losing myself

by sarayin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Mute Peter Parker, Panic Attacks, Poor Peter Parker, Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pre-Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie), Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 02:17:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19802683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarayin/pseuds/sarayin
Summary: Peter felt a strong feeling in the depth of his heart, a feeling that had always lingered but it felt like today it had actually surfaced and grasped his chest from within: hatred. He began to hate this part of him, the part that talked and talked and didn’t shut up. The part that took up space and announced himself, the part that had a voice to distinguish himself. He felt that he needed to put an end to this voice, to fade away into the background, where he belongs.orhow peter parker thinks that the best thing to do is to chip pieces of him awayand tony stark teaches him how to put himself back together





	i think i'm losing myself

Lately, Peter had been having a feeling. Scratch that, it wasn’t even a feeling. It was something much smaller that occasionally buzzed in the back of his mind. But surely it couldn’t be true. There were people around him who loved him, Peter knew that. 

_Right?_

There it was again. That voice full of doubt. Now before anyone judges him, Peter was a pretty rational person. He wouldn’t dwell on feelings like that if it weren’t for some solid evidence. Lately, Peter’s subconscious had been quietly analyzing people’s actions, much more than usual. How would someone react when he joined in a conversation? The sideways glances, the sighs… everything. But whatever conclusions Peter could draw from these actions were buried deep inside. He didn’t want to acknowledge it or occupy his mind. 

He didn’t want to be _sensitive, touchy Penis Parker._

So Peter tried to go on with his life as he always had, trying to ignore the voice in his head. But lately, that had been hard. The constant nagging voice in his head made him doubt a lot of aspects of Peter’s personality but the one thing it kept under strict scrutiny was Peter’s voice and ability to talk. 

Every instance in school where Flash would say something vile to him and Peter would respond in a half-hearted insult, Flash would mimic that. 

_“Leave me alone”_ , Flash would repeat in a high pitched voice, “Why don’t you just keep your mouth shut, _Penis_ ?

Or during lunch, when he would be telling Ned something from patrol last night and MJ would slide onto the table next to them with some remark like, “Do you losers ever shut up?” 

Peter knows she doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t stop him from doubting himself. Does he ever shut up? At least as Spiderman, he does not. And as Peter Parker, he only ever talks to a few people. 

He knows Ned doesn’t mind him rambling, he is the one who asks him about what he gets up to during patrol. But lately, Peter did notice that was what they ever talked about. By the time Peter would finish telling Ned about that car crash or the robbery with Ned’s excited _”That’s so cool!”_ in between, lunch break would be over. This sudden realization sent a shiver up Peter’s spine. How long had it been since they had talked about Ned? How long had it been since Peter asked how Ned’s mom and siblings were doing? How long had it been since Ned ranted to Peter about his neighbor’s dog? 

This caused him to think about other people in his life. What about May? Peter thought about all those incidents when May would listen to him rant about his Spanish teacher and sometimes doze off in between. 

_“Oh I’m sorry, I’m just tired sweetheart, you know how work gets. What were you saying about Mr. Sanders?”_

I mean, yeah May ranted to Peter about her new boss too but Peter talking just worried May more. When was the last time Peter had made her a nice dinner or saved up to buy her something new? 

Peter reflected and finally realized that such conversations and actions were few and far between. God, he had been so selfish. He just thinks about himself, he is so full of himself. No wonder May dozes off, pretty sure that Ned feels neglected, MJ already made clear that he talks to much and Flash- Flash was right. Maybe he should shut up, stop annoying people with his voice. The nagging voice in his head became louder. 

_No one likes you, no one wants you around. Your voice is irritating. Stop speaki-_

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. He had just gathered his books from his locker and was making his way out of school when he read the familiar text from Happy informing Peter he was outside. 

He slid into the luxurious car with just a small “Hey Happy” but before he could even finish that sentence he heard Happy grumble, “Buckle up” and just like that, the divider went up. 

Peter’s heart sank as he stared at his own hazy reflection on the black divider separating him and Happy. He talked so much that Happy didn’t even care to ask him how he’s doing as he would just start rambling. And his rambling is annoying, unneeded, he should just shut up, shut up, shut up. 

Peter surprised himself with the pain in his throat telling him that tears were close to follow. He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, a hack he had read online that helps in stopping crying. He wasn’t sure if it was the placebo effect or the hack actually worked, but Peter didn’t care for the tears were at bay for now. He took the time that it took to reach the compound to reflect. Why had he been so sensitive right now? It’s not like this is new… Happy is always in no mood to talk. Peter knows that. 

_So why does it… hurt?_

He asked himself these questions but didn't want to accept the answer. He had been feeling this way for a long time now, it just felt like he had gathered enough evidence today for him to acknowledge it. 

Peter had always been a shy and quiet kid. Until, that is, he got comfortable enough with you. After that he was all smiles and excited talks about topics he loves and a whole lot of jumping around. Peter thought people closest to him loved that about him. Now that he reflects, maybe him being loud and taking up that much space was just irritating. Maybe he just didn’t leave any space for anyone else. Maybe his issues and injuries and sad days weren’t the only thing that mattered. They didn’t matter at all. 

Maybe he ought to shut up and listen once in a while. 

Peter felt a strong feeling in the depth of his heart, a feeling that had always lingered but it felt like today it had actually surfaced and grasped his chest from within: hatred. He began to hate this part of him, the part that talked and talked and didn’t shut up. The part that took up space and announced himself, the part that had a voice to distinguish himself. He felt that he needed to put an end to this voice, to fade away into the background, where he belongs. 

On reaching the compound he whispered a quick thank you to Happy who furrowed his brows in response. The thoughts from the drive over were revolving around in his head as he entered the lab to which he had recently been given clearance. After the whole Vulture incident, Mr. Stark had felt some kind of guilt for not checking up on Peter often. In turn, he had actually vowed to make the internship real. Now, on every Friday, he would come to the compound and hang around in the lab until it was time to patrol in the evening. 

Peter liked his time in the lab. His lab was sectioned off in a different area than Tony’s and he didn’t see him much when he visited. Sometimes Tony would be out of the state or country, other times he would be on his private floor and the times he was in his section of the lab, it was only occasional that he dropped in and checked on how Peter is doing. The only times they actually hung out was when Peter got finished with one project and had to show it to Tony for his feedback and get a brief for his next project. 

Peter didn’t mind not seeing Tony that much. The man was a billionaire, after all. Peter was just glad he got to work with him when he did. Their relationship was a professional one and this is a sentence Peter couldn’t have imagined saying. And it was nice to see him more involved after the Vulture incident. Its not like he was always checking up on him, but Peter knew if he was in trouble- serious life threatening almost dying kind of trouble- Tony would probably send an empty suit to help him out. Or well, Friday would. Tony would probably be too busy to notice. But the fact that Peter had a multi billion dollar AI system looking out for him was cool enough too. 

Today was an exciting day for Peter- he was finally close to finishing his project that he had been working on for over a month. On entering the lab, he immediately got to work, determined to put the finishing touches today. After a few hours of sparks flying and drills whirring, Peter stepped back to admire his work. 

“Friday, could you run the test again, please? This time with the integrated schematics,” Peter softly said. 

“Sure Peter, running test on solar powered engine mark 32,” Friday announced. 

The metal contraption in front of him lit up and worked perfectly. 

“Congratulations Peter, your project is running smoothly,” Friday chirped. 

Peter smiled widely at his creation and took a few moments to just observe all the parts working in harmony. He turned around and started packing up his laptop and scattered calculations and diagrams. 

“Hey Friday,” Peter called out as he was turning to leave, “could you inform Mr. Stark I’m done with the project whenever he’s in the compound?”

“Mr. Stark is currently working in his lab, would you like to inform him yourself?” 

Peter paused in his tracks. Though he had seen and talked to Tony a lot of times, he still got nervous jitters whenever he did.

“Uh.. yeah? Sure, if he’s um.. free?” Peter stuttered out. 

“I have asked boss,” Friday said after a pause, “he is asking you to come over to his lab.”

Peter tugged the straps of his bag a bit tighter and made his way to the older man’s lab. He could see Tony bent over on one of the desks, looking through the magnifying glass at something. Peter shuffled in and stood at the corner of the large room, waiting to be called in. After a few moments of waiting, Tony finally looked up from the table and took in the sight of Peter. 

“Hey kid, Friday told me you’re done with your project,” Tony spoke and motioned for Peter to come closer. 

“Yes, Mr. Stark. All done,” Peter spoke. 

_There’s no need to annoy him with your voice. Speak when spoken to._

Peter discreetly shook his head to get rid of these nagging thoughts. 

“So?” Tony asked. 

“Um… so?” Peter repeated, unsure of himself. 

“So did you like it? Was it fun? Hard? No funny stories of explosions this time?” Tony pressed. 

“Um,” Peter gulped, “No Mr. Stark, it was all good,” Peter lied, not bringing up the incident when DUM-E had accidentally tripped him into Mark 4 of his project, “it was really fun.” 

Tony furrowed his eyebrows as if he had expected more from the kid. More rambling, more of his irritating voice. Instead, Tony clapped his hands together announced, “Let’s see it! Friday, pull up the schematics of the kid’s project, will you?”

“Which version would you like me to display, boss?” Friday asked. 

Tony looked to Peter. “M-Mark 32 please Friday, thank you,” Peter stuttered out. 

“32?” Tony asked, surprised, “You made 32 revisions?”

“Well…” Peter replied while looking at his feet, “Yeah, kind of. I thought I was done at 20 but then I was reading an academic journal article the other day and it was so cool, but it was mainly theoretical and-”

Peter suddenly stopped. He had caught himself slipping. He took a shaky breath in. 

“Yeah, I kind of ended up with 32,” Peter finished, biting his tongue. 

Tony once again looked closely at the kid in front of him. Something was… off. He shifted his attention to the project in front of him and did a quick overview of the design. It was impressive to say the least, had some components that Tony hadn’t put in himself. And the fact that the kid had worked on 32 revisions was a mark of a perfectionist like him. 

“This looks good Pete. Good work,” Tony complimented. It was one of the things he kept in mind whenever he met Peter in the lab, which wasn’t a lot. He didn’t want to be dismissive like his father had been. This is how he treated all his employees who did a worthy job, but he was a little more careful when it came to Peter because of his age. 

“I’ll give you your next project next week, got something exciting planned,” Tony spoke. 

Peter tightened the straps of his bag again and got ready to exit the lab. “Thank you Mr. Stark,” he spoke softly, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Just as Peter turned around to leave, Tony called out from behind, “You alright kid?” 

Peter stopped in his tracks and turned around again. He looked at his mentor, his eyebrows were furrowed and his arms were crossed. He was waiting for Peter to answer but it seemed like Peter’s brain had been put on pause. 

“Yes,” Peter finally replied, “All good Mr. Stark.” 

“You sure?” Tony asked again and Peter just nodded, “Is Spiderman-ing going okay? No near death experiences?”  
Tony asked this knowing full well what kind of things Peter had been dealing with. It wasn’t like Tony checked up every day on the kid’s suit. Earlier, the only updates he got were from Friday when his body temperature, heart rate or vitals went haywire. Now, apart from that, Tony did have an occasional glance at the kid’s suit video. But following the Vulture incident, Tony knew the kid was capable of hiding things from him. And now that the secret was out to his aunt, he had an even bigger responsibility to keep the kid in check. 

“No, nothing major Mr. Stark, it’s all good,” Peter replied, “I’ve been giving the reports to Happy.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Tony chuckled, remembering Happy grumbling about the kid’s long, rambling ‘reports’, “they take up a good chunk of Happy’s days.” 

Peter flinched. Yet another reminder of his annoying voice. Anyone less receptive than Tony would never have noticed Peter’s reaction and the forced smile that came on his face, but Tony did. He chose not to comment on it for now. 

“Well, don’t want to keep May waiting, or Happy for that matter,” Tony shifted his safety glasses back on his face, “I’ll leave your project for next week on your desk.” 

Peter nodded and turned around to leave, “Thank you, Mr. Stark.” He quietly made his way to the car and settled in, putting in his earphones but didn’t put on any music. He just couldn’t get himself to scroll through his playlist and find a song, or to even hear anyone speaking or singing.

He just felt like he wanted to disappear. It had been a long day and right now, he just wanted to put on his mask and swing through the city. As soon as the car pulled onto the main road with buildings in sight, Peter asked Happy to pull over. 

“Hey Happy, I’m just going to start patrol early today okay? You can just drop me by that alley there,” Peter spoke as he took his suit out of the depths of his bag. Happy just furrowed his eyebrows at the boy’s unusual request but considering that he just saved happy from an hour of useless commute in New York traffic, the man just opened the locks of the door. Peter slipped out of the car with a small thank you and watched as the car zoomed past. 

A flurry of emotions were muddled up in Peter’s chest but there was one thing he knew for sure. Something had become clear to him, something he had taken too long to admit. As someone who experienced a sensory overload quite often, he knew how overbearing loud noises can be. It was ironic then that having experienced this, it was Peter who was always just taking up space and volume. 

Something had changed in Peter Parker today. For worse.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is going to be another long work. i think i will make every chapter deal with a different kind of issue that Peter is dealing with. i'm not sure where this will go, but hopefully somewhere good. also its really important to me that tony and peter's relationship is a professional one (atleast in the start), i feel like tony and peter instantly being really close just isn't realistic. i take reference from how close i am to my internship boss lol.
> 
> anyway, hope you join me for the ride. please let me know what you think!


End file.
